Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
