A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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