I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
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My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
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How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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