everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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