Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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