I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
