I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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