I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I could make wine with my vomit
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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