The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
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I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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