I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
