OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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