Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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