I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
