man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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