i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
