I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
