my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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