drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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