The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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