we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
