Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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