Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
