My hand turned me down
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
