lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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