There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
