watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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