I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
