it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
