she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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