Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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