I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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