i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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