All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
