I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
