I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
