Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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