After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
