lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
