You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
