Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
