you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my being single is dangerous.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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