U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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