Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
