You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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