I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
