She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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