Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
