My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
