yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
