So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My bed smells like the plague
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
