I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
