Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
