2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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