Having a random hookup so left but love u
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
