oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
