Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
