my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
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There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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